Without A You and Me

“Without A You And Me”

Emptiness is the space that fills the hole where your heart use to be…

Life is so lost and lonely without a you and me…

Time passes and I try to find a happy place that I can stay…

But the tears still come and when someone asks, missing you is all I can say…

They tell me I will be happy again and time will heal my broken heart…

But when I wake up all I feel is, no, not another day to start…

I put a smile and fake it for all the ones who need to see…

But my heart is breaking inside without a you and me…

I listen to songs that say what I feel and I think that I’m not alone…

Then I listen to the messages I have saved so I can hear your voice on my phone…

Some would think I am crazy because I need to feel you are still near watching over me…

But I don’t care because in my mind your beautiful smile is all I need to see…

One day time will stop for me and we will be together again…

With a heavenly kiss from me to you, see you in my dreams until then…

© 2011 MAN

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Live, Love, Laugh…

I love these words…so true, so powerful and yet so overused!  I try to follow the Live, Love, Laugh philosophy of life…who doesn’t?  But lets face it, sometimes Tears, Screaming and Throwing things get you more results in the relief department!

OK…no I am not losing it!  Just venting and saying that you have “life”.  In life we don’t always see roses.  Now mind you I am a very positive person if you ask most people.  But I do have my days, who doesn’t?  So don’t beat yourself up and think “oh what is everyone going to think”?  Because frankly, they don’t live your life or have your life!  They don’t feel your spirit or your heart.  They are themselves and you are you!  So don’t be ashamed to be “YOU”!

I recently went to the hospital and had the worst experience of my life.  On top of being SCARED TO DEATH for my medical issues, that are enough to scare anyone who has been through what I have in the past 12 years,  I had to endure health professionals that are like zombies in an shelter called a hospital!  Geez!  And then I am suppose to be acting like I care that they are having a bad day?  Seriously, did I go to get help and to make me feel better?  I am not saying it should be all about me…but damn it man…IT IS “ALL ABOUT ME”…  To top it off, I had put this off to the point of no return because I didn’t have health insurance.  Guess what…this is like saying you have Leprosy!  No insurance is an issue that they all don’t want to admit to but all have a certain amount of rules to follow!  Then you have the folks who come and beat you up to leave your first born child for collateral…all while you are hooked up to a heart monitor and I.V. drip of morphine while you are trying to relieve the pain that brought you there in the first place.

Anyone seeing anything wrong with this picture?  I think it is a crying shame when the almighty dollar has guide-lined our health and its caregivers.  I later get transferred to several rooms, which in the end turned out to be the “room from hell”… (guess that is where the “non paying customers” go!)

While there I had an array of nursing staff that our of about 10 maybe 2 wanted to be there for the love of helping someone and the rest were led by a ring leader of the “hate the lazy, uninsured, immigrants” board.  (And yes, that is pretty much a direct quote from my Nurse “J” of Nazi ville!)  In between her forgetting to give me anything for pain, infection or hydration!  But hey…she didn’t forget to have a seat (with feet propped up on my bed), gossip about the doctors and big wigs, incorporation mafia that took over “her” hospital of 16 years or helping herself to the donuts my kids brought in to snack on while sleeping with me to make sure I didn’t get killed in there!   She never knew anything, but was best friends with the Docs on my case and knew they weren’t going to touch my issue…”you are a liability”.  How is that for a colorful stay?

Needless to say, I was told they are ready to release me, after beating me to death to have a test I finally agreed to to find out they cannot do it as an “in-patient” status and I will have to get it somewhere else, and that they wouldn’t touch my “certain issue, with a 10 foot pole”, so I am going home.  Yay for me!  If stress feeds my issue then I am sure it magnified 100 times in 5 days of SCMC!  I won’t be going there again.  I am thankful the short time I was there I got a large bill to remind me of the stupidity I had to go and get help!  Next time….it will be in the ambulance.  I will never go willingly again!

This is my vent today!  Now that I am able to sit up and feel alive again…I will be letting this go, until the bill comes!  ;-)

Have a happy and healthy day

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Perception (Rated “R” for language strength)

Yours….

Mine…..

His….

Hers….

Theirs….

Ours…

We never stand united if our perception is conflicted.

It is age old….

“He said, She said”….

What is your own perception of you?  ARE you TRUE to YOU?

Do you measure your worth by the “friends” you need around?  Or do you know who you are and enjoy your own SELF?

Would you date you?  Would you love you? Would you be glad to have you at your own side?  There is your answer.  Just because you choose to be alone doesn’t mean you stand alone.  You know who to call when you really need reinforcements and the rest of the world can FUCK OFF!  Said bluntly but “truthfully”.  That is me…Blunt Abrasive….Or is it me Passionately Truthful?  What is “your perception”?

Why care what others perceive about you?  You are who you are meant to be and if it is OK with you then be who you are.  Damn, if I could marry me, I would have the perfect mate!  I LOVE ME!!!  LOL

Love your self, then it won’t matter who else loves you.  Then you will be ready to find the True Love you seek.  I learned a long time ago…you cannot “fix” someone else…you can only “fix you”!  I am fine as long as I don’t try to fight a “no win” battle.  You call it closing down and shutting people out or being aggressive and confrontational….I call it self preservation…it is a “PERCEPTION”!!!  I tried to fight a battle that wasn’t mine and found out it only takes my energy.  It does nothing for them.  So I’M DONE.  People are going to perceive what they want.  So, Perceive away!

Message from a philosophical me!  ;o)

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Welcome to Self Focus! Where You can safely let it go….

Happy Independence Day…it is time to be free!

Do you have skeletons that haunt your soul?  Are you troubled by others opinions of you because they cannot see who you really are?  Do these wounds hurt your spirit and hold you back?  Keep you from being able to move forward and live your most joyful life?
Then….take back your life! That is what I said, take back your life! Powerful isn’t it?  It moves you to the desire to try, right?  Or maybe you are questioning how?  Where do I start?  How do I overcome such deep wounds that haunt my soul and bleed my spirit out?  You start here.  I have created this site for you to vent, scream, write your opinions and help others with your story.  I hope mine will help someone with their journey.

That is simple, but still not what you want to know, I know…but it starts somewhere right?  So lets start with the truth as “you” see it.  You are your truth.  You are your judge and your maker of life and are the one in control of how you handle it.

So don’t let others rule your world or make you doubt what you know.  Start by being true to you.  If you like something like it!  Don’t worry about what someone else thinks you should like or if they think you are stupid for liking it…DARE TO BE YOU! Don’t be afraid.  You are unique and designed as only you can be. So forget what society says you have to be and family says you will be…BE YOU!

That is what I hope to inspire here.  Freedom to be you…freedom to be whatever and whoever you want to be…freedom from toxic family, friends, idiologies and people who are miserable in their own lives.  People who cannot stand up for themselves so use what talents they think they possess to manipulate you into something you aren’t with well intended idiologies of their passed down heritages.

Times are different. What worked for your previous ancestors, grandparents, parents and siblings cannot work for you.  You are different from them. You have the same right to live, learn and be.   Just like they had those rights in their times.  So DARE TO BE YOU! Screw the well meaning pretenders and haters who have to hide behind false pretences and their own made up lives, until they find a way to break out little by little to be who they are.  Who are they anyway?

Are they there only on the “condition” of thier ideas of you and who you should be?  Do they hide from you and your life and hide you from their little make believe world?  Or do they really love you unconditionally, forgive you unconditionally and continue to inspire and move you?  Or do they hide behind the fantasy world they live in sure to spit poison for the things you dare to be needing the approval of everyone in their lives to move anywhere or do anything.  Do they stand alone and stand with a crowd or do they only move with the crowd?  Dare to be you…stand out in the crowd and the crowd will follow you.  Because you are unique and show promise of truth in your own right.  Don’t be afraid…life is short and the majority of these people won’t even be there for half of our life.

Someone dear to me once told me to Divorce the toxic family I have.  That is such a real and thought provoking statement.  We divorce spouses who abuse us, cheat on us or just don’t make us happy…but we hang on to family that is toxic because society says that you should value your family?  But if your family doesn’t value you…then why bother to beat yourself up?  You can value them from a distance.  Value what they brought to you that was good, the memories that were innocent and right, things you want to hold on too…you need that for your own healing…but why would you value that they want to tear you down?  They are human and humans make mistakes.  You can value that God gave you a brain to use and he is love and love isn’t taking constant insults and alienation from someone who doesn’t care about you or how you feel and can only think about their own needs.  Sometimes you have to evaluate their actions verses their words of I love you and want you in my life…You can be sure when someone accuses you of it…it is usually because they know it well in themselves and/or they cannot take the bravery of your actions to be so authentic to your self by daring to be you and live for you.  And they won’t like you calling them on it…because then they have to justify themselves and they generally can’t so the excuses come…funny how that works.

Be sure I am not saying hurt people because you should.  Or go out and hate and tell them off because you can…that isn’t healing either.  Try to forgive…forgive and take it till you know it isn’t going to change and they will never see you or understand you.  Be sure you are ready to believe in yourself, because you may be the only one who does…but be sure of this too…God gives you others to bring in place of those you lose.  You will find reinforcement with like minded people who have themselves been through what you have and in turn will be there to help you…why, because they feel your pain and know you need to heal.  So they want to help.  And those you love may not let you go quietly…they may expect to get a constant rise out out of you…they need to satisfy their own turmoil with in themselves.  We all fall in the trap of the last word….say what you have to then let it go.  Now you need to heal and your journey begins.

You are about to hear just a little of what I have gone through either through thought provoking poetry or by out right Q & A.  But I intend to use this site for Self Focus…Mine, Yours and Ours….
The Journey Begins….

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